FIRST LINES FRIDAY 56: Asexual Hipsters and Winkie Faces

IT WAS seven in the morning when the alarm clock belonging to Gustavo Tiberius rang and he opened his eyes. He looked up at the ceiling and thought, Today is going to be an okay day.

He rolled out of bed and onto the floor and began the set of one hundred push-ups. Pastor Tommy had told him that a body was a temple and should be treated as such. Granted, Pastor Tommy wasn’t really a pastor and he’d been stoned out of his mind when he’d said it, but the point remained the same. “God gave you that body, boy,” Pastor Tommy said. “Make sure you take care of it. Now, it seems as if I have the munchies. Please bring me the coffee cake and the liter of orange Slice from the pantry. I’m completely ripped and feel the need to disparage Hemingway as a pretentious hack.”

Gustavo Tiberius is not normal. He knows this. Everyone in his small town of Abby, Oregon, knows this. He reads encyclopedias every night before bed. He has a pet ferret called Harry S. Truman. He owns a video rental store that no one goes to. His closest friends are a lady named Lottie with drag queen hair and a trio of elderly Vespa riders known as the We Three Queens.

Gus is not normal. And he’s fine with that. All he wants is to be left alone.

Until Casey, an asexual stoner hipster and the newest employee at Lottie’s Lattes, enters his life. For some reason, Casey thinks Gus is the greatest thing ever. And maybe Gus is starting to think the same thing about Casey, even if Casey is obsessive about Instagramming his food.

But Gus isn’t normal and Casey deserves someone who can be. Suddenly wanting to be that someone, Gus steps out of his comfort zone and plans to become the most normal person ever.

After all, what could possibly go wrong?